"Peace, Peace, There is often No Peace"

Why is it that the times we look forward to the most, the holidays, when goodwill to all should reign, often become filled with strife? Why is it that, though on my visit home I have planned to not get into that political discussion that will expose my growth into having my own viewpoints of adulthood, I always seem to do so? How is it that, though I want to put my best ethical foot forward at the end-of-the-year holidays, I seem to “put my foot in the mouth” and sometimes even act like I am an immature teenager again?

The inability to intentionally act as you would like to act—in a mature way—seems to be a common problem for people of all ages at their homecomings. The beginnings to the answer lies in two directions—what human nature is and what maturity is. The real answer lies in the power of forgiveness.

Our holiday homecomings—what Bowen theory calls our “duty visits”—are a microcosm of the rest of life. Since we get to be who we are in our families of origin, we take that reality with us our whole lives. Perhaps who we are by virtue of our birth and the crucial years of our growing up are who we are as human beings. Although adolescence may seem to be the most unnatural of times, it may be the most telling. We mature in all ways, including in taking on our own beliefs, but we often just try on either our parents beliefs or someone else's-- our “pseudo self”—as Dr. Murray Bowen puts it. In the process of taking on many opinions that may just be the opposite of our parents or siblings, we are separating ourselves from what we may experience is a “too close” environment for our maturing self. This seems to be a temporary problem, but in effect our human nature may bring about a return to adolescence each time we get in that birth position, that situation where we practiced finding our true selves and took on a “pseudo-self.” We want to show the results of what we have worked on for years since our adolescence-- our true selves that make us who we are. But our flawed human nature and our situation get the better of us, and we try to “prove” that we are better than what others remember. Since others are operating out of this same hidden agenda, we find ourselves right back into the same arguments—sometimes with new particulars—as we did when we grew up.

Maturity is the ability to recognize when you begin to play these roles again—and to nip that direction in the bud. It is in realizing you tried on that “pseudo self” enough in your life that you have gained “solid self,” knowing who you are and what you believe and being sure enough about who you are that you don’t have to convince others of your maturity. Although our flawed human nature may lead us back to adolescence—or even in some families “two and three-year-old” behavior-- maturity will lead us to find a way to seek reconciliation when we fall backward. That is the true sign of our being as whole as we can get-- knowing who we are, separate but connected from anyone, and being able to act out of that position.

One “solid self” sign of maturity is the ability to forgive. When we do return to the presence of family members, hopefully we return to an atmosphere where in the end everyone wants to show their love and care for each other. This ability to get outside of ourselves and to care for one another, what some would call empathy, will lead us to adapt an attitude which in our adolescence may have been wholly other to us. This is what Paul writes about in Philippians— “have this mind among you which is yours in Christ Jesus—humble yourself and empty yourself.” In this case, empty yourself of “having to be right” or “having to prove yourself” and seek to reconcile your differences with others.

Returning to our roots can lead to a very unpeaceful existence for an afternoon or evening, a couple of days or more. But we can find a kind of peace when we check our selfish "false self" behavior and remember to be the “mature people” we have come to be. Then even though we may not agree, we can agree to disagree, and seek reconciliation. We can receive help for our peace-seeking from the “power of forgiveness,” our God who reconciles us to Himself through His Son Jesus and who leads us to live together in “patched-up peace.”

One of the lesser known Christmas hymns written by the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in 1863 during the Civil War highlights "letting the bells of peace ring in our lives and in our gatherings." Having received peace from God, we seeking peace with others, even in the midst of strife.

I heard the bells on Christmas day

Their old familiar carols play

And mild and sweet their songs repeat

Of peace on earth good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head

There is no peace on earth I said

For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Then rang the bells more loud and deep

God is not dead, nor does he sleep

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail

With peace on earth, good will to men.

Do you hear the bells they’re ringing

The life the angels singing

Open up your heart and hear them

Peace on earth, good will to men.

Have a peace-filled Christmas and New Year's!