"The Power of Example in Ethics"

In the introduction to his book The Book of Virtues former Secretary of Education William Bennett talks about the importance of guidance and example for children’s growth in moral values in families. “Moral education must affirm the central importance of moral example. It has been said that there is nothing more influential, more determinant, in a child’s life than the moral power of quiet example. For children to take morality seriously they must be in the presence of adults who take morality seriously. And with their own eyes they must see adults take morality seriously.” Bennett obviously believes in the power of example in educating people in the basics of living ethically together.

In many ways, the power of example in home and family is lacking today. It begins with the availability of parents to their children. In finding their way through today’s economy and society today parents are not able to model (or monitor) the most basic activities in life: how to study, how to conduct yourself online on the computer, how to talk to friends, etc. Consequently, no wonder there is a great deal of difficulty for adolescents and young adults growing up. In addition to the lack of parents, with the great mobility in our society today there is not the sphere of influence that used to be provided by grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and other peers being in our weekly or monthly lives. Consequently, young people often must find their own way through trial and error, hopefully securing mentors from teachers and coaches and other adults who are trustworthy.

Certainly there is a lot of hope, even in the midst of this. We can make being there as an example for our children a high priority in our lives. The adage that “ninety percent of doing a job is showing up” is very true for bringing up children. Showing up can be done in many ways. If you are a part of a typical family and are very busy it is good to have some rituals during the day to which you show up. Having at least one meal (breakfast or supper) where at least one parent is present with a child is a very good thing. Having weekend rituals that include the presence of all members of the family is extremely important. Just showing up as a parent (and other family models) is so important to young people. There is no substitute for affirmation by someone who cares just by being available: asking questions, listening, showing empathy, and even giving advice whenever possible. In this way, you are providing a foundation for someone growing up morally and a resource for challenges that youth may encounter along the way.

Along with being a presence, it is also important to model communication to young people. Sometimes adults must regulate themselves when around their children to do this. It is not alright to be complaining about your day all the time to your spouse or even to your children. It is not within the realm of being a good model to “lose” it in front of your kids. If it does happen, then there should be a time of teaching which follows where you apologize and talk about what has occurred. Caring communication can go a long way to bringing up someone who is ethically responsible.

Other persons in authority have the privilege of being models for young people as well. Teachers, coaches, pastors, bosses, and support people in schools and life all must take this responsibility seriously. We have the opportunity, for good or ill, to help to mold the lives of young people. What could be more important than being a positive model for the life of a child?

Ultimately, as we like to say in the study of Bowen Family Systems Theory, “we do the best we can under the circumstances". But no matter what the circumstances, if we are parents, grandparents, or other regular caregivers, we need to take the time (within reason) to be present in the life of young people. Not only our loved one’s future, but the future as a whole depends upon it.